Christmas and the Bittersweet Ache of Change

Christmas used to hold a special place in my heart. The lights, the music, the traditions—all of it used to feel like a warm hug that wrapped me up in the magic of the season. But since well before starting my transition, Christmas has taken on a different tone. Don’t get me wrong—I’m incredibly grateful for where I am now. I’ve fought hard to be my authentic self, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Still, this time of year, my first Christmas as authentic me, now stirs up a bittersweet ache that I can’t quite shake.

What I miss most is the festive moments I used to share with my children. Watching them perform in school nativities was always a highlight of the season. There’s something so pure about seeing your little one dressed as an angel or a shepherd, nervously searching for your face in the audience. Those memories are etched into my heart, and while I cherish them, they also serve as a reminder of how much life has changed.

As much as I love being myself, the absence of those shared experiences leaves a hollow space. I’ve had to let go of the traditions we used to have, and while I try to focus on all the good things that have come from my journey, it’s impossible not to feel that pang of loss. Christmas, for all its joy and connection, has a way of magnifying those feelings.

I’ll admit, it has made me a little more tense and grumpy than usual, sometimes feeling ‘flat’ or low. The pressure to feel merry and bright when you’re carrying those emotions can be overwhelming. But thankfully, I have my partner, Jess, my absolute rock. She’s my constant source of strength, grounding me when things get tough. Her support and love remind me that even in the midst of loss, I’ve gained so much.

This time of year also reminds me that love is never truly lost; it just shifts and finds new ways to show up. My relationship with my children may look different now, but the bond we share remains. I hope that we’ll create new traditions in time—ones that reflect the people we are today.

For now, I’m holding onto the little joys: putting up our little tree in the Quinn household, seeing Maisey in her Santa outfit and seeing Jess’ delight from my purchase of some ‘fake’ festive candles. Christmas is, at its core, about love and hope, and those are things I’m lucky to have in abundance.

If you’re struggling this Christmas, know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to miss what was, even as you celebrate what is. It’s okay to feel tense or even grumpy—it doesn’t make you any less deserving of the joy this season can bring.

So here’s to embracing the messiness of Christmas. To cherishing the memories, holding onto the love we have, and trusting that brighter days are ahead. Because no matter what changes, love has a way of finding us—whether it’s in the smile of a child, the comfort of a partner, or even in the quiet moments when the world feels just a little bit magical.